This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
