i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I cut my penus on the lid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
