toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
