I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
