just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
