We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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