I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
