I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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