Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize