Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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