finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
