one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
