dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
