my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
