My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
