I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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