I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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