I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
