how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
