I just pynch a tree in the face
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
