Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
