Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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