I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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