I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
please come you make the beer taste better
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
