You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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