Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize