He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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