I will die if light touches me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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