Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
