Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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