booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
