Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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