im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
