I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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