apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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