I bet he comes in French.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
