tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
