Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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