I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize