Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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