there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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