i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize