Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
