Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
this is an emotional support booty call
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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