I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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