I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
