I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Come share oat with me in your robe
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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