i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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