Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
