Barsexuality is the new black.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
