I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
