i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
