i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
