we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
