The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
