Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize