I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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